being back here caused me to look back at this time in my life. seeing pictures, expressions, lifestyles i know that i loved a gypsy girl once. a fascinating person of boundless creativity and panache. although, you might call JJ an infatuation kinda friendship.
i thought she was the only person i could talk to back then. she enabled me to live a duality from the path i had chosen. a life of, for and by art. i tried to skirt the world of Bohemia and Calcutta and in the end i guess she saw too much corporate styled rationalism in me that she almost literally and so intentionally threw a hay maker at me. this one two punch of happy birthday, go fuck yourself asshole. huh, i honestly think that was the meanest thing that anyone has ever done to me. a cold calculated puncture wound full of spite and malice.
regardless of that i loved her long afterward. because i loved that person i met in the late 90s who challenged and intrigued me. passion, poison and all.
thinking back of the world of art, I always felt like i could visit from time to time. but in hindsight i think it's something that craves to be lived in. you can't dip a toe, you shed your clothes and go skinny dipping in it.
for me, there's a mental blockage with doing that, i feel it right now. a consciousness that doesn't allow that. a brake brought forth by one of the more unique upbringings like that of the one i had. some sort of inability to let go of responsibility and abandon all rules. regardless, it wasn't my natural inclination.
i now think of life as a series of trade offs. you make choices that dictate what your life is. if you don't like it, make a different choice. if you're following your intuition more than everything else then you're being who you are.
i think that's it for my random rant. my wife called and distracted me. it's after 11 so i should probably go home and find something to eat. i have a full day tomorrow as well.
i'm mostly randomly commenting on twitter now. at R andy H arden (avoiding the Googly spiders of the web)
to you, JJ i miss you, but you're mean. you chose to cause me to suffer, on my birthday. even still i forgive you because the absence of pain feels so good and i still love myself more than you ever could. my heart is full of so much love and you allowed hate to live in yours. despite so many temptations in life to hate i never could allow that evil a darkness to consume me. so ha, i won. perhaps you're happy anyway, but i don't care. and frankly, you don't care what i think either. either way, you owe me an apology.
it's not common knowledge quite yet but i'm gonna be a daddy. given that lj is a wasteland this is about the only social space that i can air my joy without engaging in a thousand conversations simultaneously.
we didn't need to try very long once we got super healthy about it. she cut out gluten and soy completely. i spent months removing the way too much lead that i had in my blood and tissues. so a year a half later we made a baby. i couldn't be happier at the sheer thought of it. granted, i understand that this will be the most difficult thing i will ever embark on and it will forever change me. but that's what makes it special and intriguing and awe inspiring. the good times and the bad.
plus i am doing it with a woman who is so naturally maternal. i married a matriarch so that helped. whoa, i never once thought that i'd be a patriarch?!? no matter.
i'm having a baby. it has a heartbeat and it's 4mm long. at least on TV. yesterday.
i am overjoyed to tears. already the word 'life' has taken on such new meaning. the eventual male/female/transsexual is the size of a blueberry this week, although right now it's more of a pomegranate seed.
when we found out (Valentine's eve morn) it was practically a poppy seed. at some point it went to sesame seed but we were traveling then so it's hard to keep track...
it's due about my mom's birthday, perhaps mine. time will tell, eh?
either way, with love, health and luck i will be a father by Thanksgiving. (long pause) wow.
i went back and read my journal entries from a year ago and it's amazing how much different life is now without the incredible burden of financial stress. it also reminds me of my poor departed Gio and his bout with lymphoma. 2012 is so much better than 2011 already. i love how i have the ability to put that shit behind me.
these days it's all optimism, thoughts of kittens and looking forward with hope.
i have a 5 page paper due tomorrow, so naturally i am poking here and there on the internet. is facebook commonly used to see people you use to know? i just did that for a bit, but rarely use it otherwise. (shhh, don't tell my 300 something "friends") if it wasn't for my iphone and red lights, i don't think i'd ever use it.
then again, 5 minutes on livejournal and it's clear that it's gone the way of myspace. well, without the whole music niche that our old friend Tom still offers.
now a days we appear to be collectively using twitter because if you can't say it in 140 characters then it drags on.
well, i'm seriously thinking of buying an ipad now. i finally found a justification for spending the money. they've made the MLS accessible (and editable!) on it, so now i can work from the couch without my laptop. i figure i'll get it within the month once i move in 4 weeks. granted, i probably could just buy the thing right damn now. i have no real reason to wait. i would charge it to the business. however, i'll hold off a few weeks til i cover all the beginning of month bills. paying 3 rents is never thrilling. then again, soon i'll be paying 2 and a mortgage.
4g lte would be great for watching Doctor Who at lunch. i would't have to deal with the 3g lagtime (theoretically).
the semester is coming to a close so i have a lot of deliverables coming up in the next 16 days. i don't think anything should devastating, but i do have to score well on my managerial accounting final because i am skirting a low B. thankfully i got an 84 on the 10 page paper that i wrote in one night. (reminds me of UCF)
ok, i gotta get cracking on this web 2.0 paper i'm writing for e-business development.
i am so disappointed right now. i submitted what i felt was a very strong business idea and plan to the FAU competition and my team and i did not place in the finals. whereas one group that i know of did and their idea is completely weak as it relates to being copied by the likes of google, etc. they have no distinctive competencies, whereas we did/would have.
i put a lot of time and effort into this and i really thought i would have at least been able to present in two weeks time before the panel of judges. i haven't been this disappointed in quite some time. i was really looking forward to going further with this, or at least having a shot at it.
the not very fulfilling upside is that my already overstretched schedule will not have to integrate the time to present a very strong presentation.
aside from that i had a really great week in real estate. i made as much this week as some people make in a year. closed on more than 1.25 mil this week.
funny how that pales in comparison to the business plan competition.
granted, i'd rather have the profits then make it to the finals. i needs the funds to buy and furnish my new place, which closes in 3 weeks.
so it's been roughly 8.5 years since I posted the list below, just prior to my 25th birthday. i have been thinking back upon this list often lately because i finally got to go hang gliding today, much to my exhilaration and happiness. so i wish to update my list of things completed, pending, given up on and perhaps new additions...
Oct 2003 i finalized my list. things to accoplish by the time i hit thirty.
*notice how thirty rhymes with dirty, as in it is a dirty dirty word to utter.
which is in part my reason for making this list, the realization that life is fleeting. these are all the things that i have often said to myself that i would like to do "one day", so i am setting a deadline for 5 years from thursday.
(in no particular order) -Explore Europe update: i've spent more than a week in france, more than a week in spain, and i will be spending two weeks backpacking in italy in july/aug :)
-Study eastern religions, philosophy, and psychology update: eh, while i have studied many a thing since i had no particular focus on either of these subjects. at least not with intention
-Learn how to blow glass and create my own piece update: i have purchased a groupon for a class which i must complete by this summer. i have never stopped thinking of blowing glass and have seen it demonstrated several times. i have purchased several pieces of hand blown glass as it pleases me so much.
-Spend 1-3 months sailing update: i have learned sailing. i have sailed small boats, hobies and a gorgeous 31 foot Beneteau. i was to sail to the Bahamas, but plans conflicted and i got engaged (and consequently married) so that never panned out. i still think of sailing, but my business leaves little room for the time requirements.
-Develop a working knowledge of at least 2 more languages (italian and arabic are high on the list) update: i have picked up some arabic for my trip to Morocco two years ago this month. i am currently working on some italian for my impending trip. i am studying french with focus mostly for business purposes and my spanish is pretty good.
-Learn to play the piano update: i have intended to go to this local monday morning class, but i am not a monday person, nor a morning person so that hasn't happened yet. i give myself a 10 year extension on this one.
-Create (at least) 3 successful businesses update: frankly it's been hard enough to keep the real estate business a success. more than fortunately that is working out well so far this year. i have purchased a competitor which sorta might count. i also created a travel website out of thin air and submitted the idea to a business plan competition. i find out on Friday if it will be in the finals. i believe that it will.
-Start a family update: very happily married, baby impending (2013), closing on our first owned home together in about 25 days.
to be continued...
(ADDED 7/3/2004) -Live in a house with a fireplace update: not yet... i have not forgotten this. i stayed in a hotel in Santa Fe over xmas with a fireplace and made a fire just about every night.
-Learn how to scuba dive update: success! i have dived many times in Maui, South Florida and the Keys. while i haven't gone in some time given some sinus issues i was discussing it with a good friend today who recently got certified.
-Learn the basics of flying (either helicopter or plane) update: much to my immense happiness i have flown a helicopter and it was incredibly intense. there is rarely a day that i don't think about doing it again. i have flown a plane on and off since then, but i don't really care to learn compared to my love of helicopters.
-Hang glide update: success! i never stopped wishing for this and i finally did it today. it was beautiful and scary and exhilarating. i would do it again, but i don't know if i ever will. it's a two hour drive from my house and that puts a bit of a damper on the idea of really getting into it. plus my wife is very afraid that i will meet my end and i was bit concerned myself. did it, i'd do it again but i won't go out of my way to do so.
as far as new things, i can't think of much on the outset. from the hip:
-i would like to live in a foreign non-english speaking country for a time.
-i would like to end up in close proximity to Asheville NC
-i would like to camp more
-i would definitely like to have a baby soon (but that's sort of the same as an earlier entry)
-i would like to maintain a yoga regimen
-i would like to create a strong financial safety net for myself and family (esp after the real estate roller coaster)
-i would like to generate passive income streams so that i can do all these things and more
the good news is that i am not pretty much kinda debt free. all credit cards paid in full as of today! i'll be enjoying significant savings by not having to pay any more interest. my credit score should take a pretty good leap too, however since it's already 700+ i'm not sure how high it will go. i'd be flabberghasted if it hits 800.
the bad news is pretty sad. Gio is sick and i fear dying soon. his last chemo treatment really brought him a lot of vitality, but he spends 10 days with that energy and then 11 days without it and he fades fast. i don't know how much of this roller coaster of treatment he can sustain, or if he even can sustain the good effects. since he's not going into remission, and really never did in these 5 months, ...
May 2011 will go down as a month to remember in my anthology. The wind has shifted this month and I so appreciative that it has.
Today a huge portion of my debt got restructured in a way that I can completely manage it. That is one huge fucking weight off of my shoulders. I only wish it happend sooner, but I certainly shant complain. It prrovides the breathing room to buy a house.
my summer semester started this past weekend. I enjoy both classes but my morning is much more preferred. I am very pleased with my classmates too. with the shortened timeframe of summer i am going to be pushing to get my assignments handled. which reminds me, i have to email both of my professors.
i backed out of being a groomsman to a late June wedding of a childhood friend. I thought that i could swing it, but as i have class that weekend and my afternoon teacher is ... young upity idealist newyorkican she will not let me cut out without penalty to my grades. it's actually a welcome excuse to withdraw from the wedding. i am losing touch with this particular friend and i have troble spending time with him.
he is a duldrum and a stick in the mud. his fiance is just like him, if not worse and i don't know how much i can take. his fiance just drove me effing crazy with trying to help her dad buy a condo in SFL.
gio is doing much better over the past week, but only because he had been so sick the week or two prior. he was truly sick for so long that it was killing me to see him. he got new chemo on Wednesday and he's been great ever since. i hope this one sustains him, because i now see that he will deteriorate if it doesn't.
i love him every day as much as i can. then again, i always have. he's always been my sunshine. on a cloudy day.
i have started eating better and working out. getting into pullups again, playing tennis, biking. think i am getting my body ready for Mexico in 3 weeks. can't wait...
a thing about the month of May... i hired one of the two founding partners of my closest competitor recently. they had a falling out of sorts and i was the natural second choice. my momentum has been great lately.
i think i'll be dead any minute now...
i have become mighty skeptical about life lately. especially economically. hope that hope will return, but this time tempered with greater caution and care.
speaking of, last Thursday was my 2 year anniversary of buying out my competitor. the time has gone by quite quickly. i'm still as messy as fucking ever.
i have a lot to contend with. thinking back on all of it combined it's a wonder that i haven't gone mad. now i imagine how well i could get by if i was actually organized enough to get organized.
i'm trying. audio reading two Tim Ferriss books right now, plus learning French on my laptop every morning. i sit on my porch and soak up the sun for a lesson or three. i am learning, i think. it's going to be an ongoing process i reckon. i know enough to say that i don't know merde!
ta ta for now. my cat is more than probably famished. the chemo gives him a voracious appetite when he is healthy.